i feel so dispirited right about now. i can't fast. i hate that everyone in the world is fasting except for me. i feel like my body is a traitor. and i don't like how i have to make them up later.
i don't think you can ever describe how the first drink of water tastes after it passes your lips. almost holy, in a sense. and in the same sense, i guess it is holy. because you've had that water within reach all day, and you restrained from it till now. and up till then, it seemed so important. but the moment that water touches your lips, it's as if you hadn't waited several hours for it. it seems as if you've always been able to eat. it's a wierd feeling.
a gave me a note and it was annoying. i know i've been all 'i don't want to break connections' but it happens. and they wrote: i'm done. and i wrote: i've been done.
and they didn't respond. to much of anything. the only thing they talked about was the ignoring me part. and i wanted to really hurt him for a reaction. remember that whole passive stage in the summer before last? man... what is wrong with me. i rmember that. i wanted to be such a bitch so someone would yell at me to stop and say STOP YOU'RE BEING A BITCH.
and then, we were walkin in th hallway, and they said you know, i think we really have run out of things to talk about. i mean, i got nothing. stuff at home...math? but i know you don't like talking about math. movies? i dunno. we've just ran out. and i looked at him.
and i wanted to scream.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT TO YOU ANYMORE.
it's like life has drained itself out.
then j was asking me what was wrong. and the end of the day basically went like that. but i'm wondering....does j have enough....substance? you know what i mean? like, he says stuff sometimes and i'm like, wow. but, everyones got those sometimes.
and i don't think anybody understands.....how much.... i.....despise.....the everyday.
I WANT SOMETHING GREAT. it doesn't have to be big or huge. all i need. is some little, tiny, form of encouragement, a sort of REASSURANCE that the universe is OKAY. that HUMANITY is something that is not a dying breed.
i don't want this small talk and shit. i don't want your hybrid definition of truth. i don't want this grey morality.
i've been friends with bex for way longer and i ALWAYS have something to say. we don't run out.
AND IF WE DO, THEN IT'S A COMFORTABLE SILENCE. AND I LOVE THOSE SILENCES.
it's already thursday.
and....l;kjdsaf;lajds;flajs.
brilliant. i have to run the pacer manana.
i could cry.
but i'm too mad to cry.
Recent Comments