intoxicatedamind's blog

elephants and elephants.

i is wearing elephant earrings!!!!! :D they're sooo cute.

and n got her braces off. and i shouldve shot myself in the head cause i didn't notice. :/ but she look goood. i think EVERYONE smiles more once they get their braces off. r, adam, vivien, brandon.... well. there's th eend of my list but you know what i mean.

r gets back the first. h on the third. n's got work and stuff. m is being lazy mostly, until i ring her doorbell a couple hundred times. andddddddddd. there's the end of my friends. cant see j. and  i doubt anythings bout to happen wit alex. whom i havent spoken to since early july. v is prolly with her asian amigos and stuff. havent talked to tom since early june. zach, on and off.

i should do hw. it's hard to focus. now more than ever. i would jus sit there. then realize i'm not doing anything. then i'll eat a pineapple. or watch castle. or look at my earrings. or obsess over my skin. or research robert rodriguez. WHO IS A FLIPPING GENIUS. and i want to watch all his movies now! or i will think of my next culinary creation.

ahhhhhh. ramadan's almost here! THUS MARKS AN ENTIRE YEAR OF THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!!! shwoaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

desecration smile. oh man. red hot chili peppers.

i really hope we can go apple picking. REALLY HOPE. it'll be fun. how can it not be? a full day of chillin in the shade of these huuuuge weeping willows with a picnic. and this oldddd swing and rusy merry go round. with the goats and horses. and the goats who would eat anything we fed them. (amusing....until one became addicted to my pringles) then there's the whole peach/apple/whatever fruit is ripe picking. in that large orchard, with shady full trees. ohh man.

i think i overuse 'man' sometimes. i haven't taken a picture in a while. i have yet to seperate the ones i want to use and make into a video.

i asked for a kitty, (no), a laptop, (no), and a video camera. (dunno yet). this means i can finally start on my autobiographical documentary which everyone laughed at.

we went to carters AND GOT THE MOST ADORABLE BABY OUTFITS. i just about exploded cause they were so cute. one's got baby elephants, frogs, turtles and girraffes and anothers got strawberries and ladybugs and ahhhhhh. 

my skin is getting more and more awful-er. :[ i hate this. and my nails are getting long and bleh cause it's wierd to eat now.

i wonder if i'll be able to get a pet elephant. oh, and this year, the second i get my eidee, i'm spending it cause what the hell am i gonna do saving it cause it'll take forever to get whatever i want cause it's decently expensive and will, no doubt, take about a few years seeing as though i only get money once a year. oh, and i DEF. need a massive attack shirt. noooo idea where to get that. far as i know. none of the stores at the mall have them. hot topic/spencers/zumies all have band shirts, yes. but they're like... i dunno. i haven't exactly looked specifically, but i think if i DID see it, i would've remembered. and i can't order it online cause ammy would be like, pshh no. so poop.

offend in every way

i'm patient of this plan
as humble as i can
i'll wait another day
before I turn away
but know this much is true
no matter what i do
offend in every way
i don't know what to say

i'm being snarky to everyone.

i'm in a snarky sort of mood.

 

....snark.

inside this place

there is nothing here.

SOMEBODY TELL ME THERE IS.

 

 

 

Enter fog

windowpanes tell me nothing.

feed me to the dogs.

you're a sick rat, you are.

and i'm just frustrated to no degree.

 

yeah? well, i mind.

there is honestly no point in anything i do.

i want to non-exist and not experience anything.

not in an angry furious way.

more of a peaceful void.

voids are nice. i like voids.

i feel like a void.

but not the right kind.

 

everyone.....has.....something.

and i don't. everyone has this....trait, this quality about them that just makes them so unbelievably great that it makes me want to sink and vomit.

what are we? what are we as people, as humans. as breathing creatures that are oh so prone to mistakes and misgivings and misunderstandings.

i feel like everyone's trying too hard. to be their... own person. this sense of individualism of this new era, that for past millenia, we have overlooked. or maybe we've finally just created a way to apply it to anything we do. i feel like instead of doing things for ourselves and the ones we love, we mutilate everything beautiful about ourselves for disgusting people who couldn't give a lesser fuck about us.

we're not trying to be our own person. we're just trying to convince ourselves that we're not as fucked up as we think we are. and we all know how that plan works out...

so half the time, we're this technologically advanced race with shorthand signatures and no time left for life, drained by duty and death.

and the other half, we accept everything ugly about ourselves and mold it to our acceptances. and we're ready to make mistakes and admit that we learn and that we're on this.... path... to happiness or glory. 

there's no glory here.

i don't need glory.

i need what every living organism in existence on this planet craves the most.

i think i'm supposed to say love. or even reason or purpose. 

 

i ask 'why' so many times that it's like it doesn't exist anymore.

and no.

i don't feel sublimed. or enlightened.

if anything, i'm darkened.  

 

worst day of my summer

i hate you all.

on/off crying the WHOLE FUCKING DAY.

:(

i feel like a soldier of love and i think that's wrong.

dreams: my garage chomping nyra's dad's car in half and my dad blaming me for it even though he closed the grage. devon and me smoking and kissing by the side of the school....intense and so casual i want to murder myself for thinking so. lying on a car and it was going fast on the highway at night and I thought I was gonna fall off.

i've lost the use of my heart.

but i'm still alive

i haven't done anything remotely artistic since art class in may. i'm ashamed of this fact.

i was thinking about how... we don't say things cause they seem too generic, ordinary. but those things are the realest and most genuine ones. but they're overused already by media that all it does is induce an eyeroll or a groan accompanied with... not that again...

like those romantic comedies i hate so much.

i read my bloody life. the making of a latin king. harsh.

i read harry potter and the chamber of secrets. secretive.

i think i spelled that wrong.

oh, fuck that.

i wish unicorns were real.

 

dead in july

i was waiting for this.

this late july rut that i get stuck in every summer.

where all music freezes and freezes me.

at 5 in the morning, bored, tired. dead as hell.

but sitting on the front steps

in that morning air

 

and noones around. cause noones ever around.

flipflipflip.....*fast track plays in background*

slow fade out. black to red to white to white to white. to white. to white.... to white.

to white.

static.

i'm a provider, girl.

so I'm driving this truck down the 95
i pray to God i make it home alive.
i don't get pulled over by the man
i just want to make it home to hold your hand.

Provider

random update cause i'm lonely.

well, she ain't pickin up. :/

but.... other than the previous, ain't nothing really on my mind but.....

GEORGIA!

*breathes creepily*

.....

*proceeds to lick wall with crazed appearance and hair gone awry*

aren't i charming?

*says with a grasshopper on my shoulder*

who doesn't like grasshoppers?

 

pigeons in rustic bread atriums. dinosaur meat. you. sorry. the other you.

so i had this wierd dream where me and my 20 something year old hispanic partner were on the run with a dinosaur egg. and then we tried dinosaur meat, and it was kinda delicious. but we were confused about the pigeon meat. then there were chinese children in uniforms and guns patrolling the hallways cause they were closing down the building and we snuck past them and the place was getting gassed section by section. then suddenly, it was my graduation, and i couldn't find my purple and blue dress and i was watching soccer on the tv in my room on the wall. then i was in this strange cafeteria with middle eastern lunch ladies. and.... there was j at a table waiting for me. and.. a at the same table, so if i sat, i'd be across from j and a short distance away from a. so they were sittin diagonally. and it was wierd, cause j was chill and waiting, but a was all.. fidgety in a low-key way.

then i find myself being pushed through a door behind the lunch ladies' booth. and i was in this.... atrium that they used as storage for bread on those big red plastic stacks that you can roll. but there was stone on the floor and if i looked up, i saw the sky, and there were these brick walls. and there were pidgeons. in cages. like i found myself in a strange obscure mixture of a storage area and my uncle's biggest bird cage. complete with white droppings on the floor.

the door changed to a thin red veil, flimsy see through material. and the wall next to it had a floor length mirror. and there was... a. and you know when you haven't seen someone you like in a really long time, and you hug them really tight, and something happens and it's kinda like you're spinning around in circles with them? well, it was like that, and i caught a glance in the mirror of us, and we were SO CLOSE. and i panicked, like, what if j sees? so i try to distance, and..... god this is so wierd...i couldn't. i just.. couldn't. so i try to look through the door and see j. and he's looking around, prolly wondering where i am. and then pidgeons flew behind us and i looked in the mirror, and my hair was really long, and i was wearing this light blue full length, full sleeves dress, that was loose but form fitting and it was being all flowy from the bottom and sleeves, and..... man.

and yesterday. he called. and was like guess who. and i'm like. oh shit. (not really) but i did the whole pretend conversation cause it was basically all static.

but i was SO worried about j though. :/

i do like j. but i just.... everything else that comes after this confession makes me either want to roll my eyes, puke... or i get this wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel queasy....

but what about the not being able to move? :/ i need bootz. only she can distract me with her abnormally realistic cat mews. :