third day of summer. i feel bored.
i know i hate school, but what am i without it? it gives me something to do, something to hate, people to annoy.
i feel like all the poof has gone out of me. i have had minimal social interaction in 3 days. not like that's a bad thing, but.. it is when i don't want it!
alex is smart. just saying. he knows that i won't have anything bad to say about her. ever. what a genius. i mean, i found myself hating on him. so i feel....strangely conflicted. what if she starts to like him? i mean, i dunno but... that's....wierd. but then again, how come most of the songs on THIS summer's playlist remind me of him as well?
well, it doesn't really help that half are in spanish. but still.
i absolutely love splitting the atom by massive attack. its so....smooth. seductive almost. cause you accidentily find yourself listenning to the whole thing even if you don't want to like j said. hypnotic or something. i love his voice. it's like something is deathly wrong, like a disturbed scene of blood on walls and butchered bunnies half cut open hopping limply around and him just taking your hand and leading you towards wine and pillows. *shudders* see what i mean?
back to my point: it's strange. it's like i can't.. just.. not.. acknowledge anything without bringing everything else into myself. i don't like how i said all or nothing from before. i wish it wasn't like that. just friends is probably the biggest lie in the world. and it mostly creates more confusion rather than clearing it up. just. that word. theres a difference between 'let's be friends' and 'lets be just friends' just kinda states that there's no room for fluctuation, improvement, or destruction, but it creates more of all of those. sometimes i think i'm just like this because it was the first, and to this extent. BUT ALL THAT STUFF HE SHOWED ME ON HIS PHONE. on the last day...
~~~finishign later.
back.
on the last day, ALL THAT STUFF. i mean, he JUST basically said he still likes her. he's trying to get a reaction. and i'm trying desperately almost to hide it. although there was a lot. and it suprised me. that much? still? i mean, what if it's so much that nobody else will ever be able to surpass that? what if it's so much that i'll be left always wondering when did it stop. and if it's this much for me, then i can only imagine how much it'd be for the person he spends his life with. but then again, we're only in highschool. and keeping a hand on my waist when it shouldn't be there isn't showing that you're over me. outside, i was trying to talk to j, then all of a sudden devon comes outta nowhere asking when we're gonna hang out, and over to the left is alex, waiting for a hug. and david, i forgot about him, but i saw him over jalon's shoulder, he was probably waiting for alex. then i saw r for a little while. THEN SHE LEFT TO WISCONSIN AND I MISS HER DESPERATELY. *deep breath*
but. she shall be back soon and i am fretting over her gift. the nervous anxiety of not knowing WHETHER OR NOT SHE'S GONNA LIKE IT. oh my gosh, it's so bad. i mean, she's picky. and i feel like this is a test of how well i know her. and if i suck at this, it's like my life is over. so i have to think of something. cause, what if she changes her mind?
but about alex, i don't know but it's been 2 years.
in the song 'the bones of you' he says 'i'm five years ago, and three thousand miles away' and i kind of would like to use that somewhere. i don't know where.
and j has been emailing. best way since i can't talk to him any way else. anddd it's been good. like that goofy kinda good.
hahaha. i know i'm picky and i know i haven't checked the blogs in a very long time, but i love my presents. and thank you. (:
Posted by: fatal metalmark | 06/12/2010 at 12:52 AM