intoxicatedamind's blog

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vox is closing.

asdfa

i feel so dispirited right about now. i can't fast. i hate that everyone in the world is fasting except for me. i feel like my body is a traitor. and i don't like how i have to make them up later.

i don't think you can ever describe how the first drink of water tastes after it passes your lips. almost holy, in a sense. and in the same sense, i guess it is holy. because  you've had that water within reach all day, and you restrained from it till now. and up till then, it seemed so important. but the moment that water touches your lips, it's as if you hadn't waited several hours for it. it seems as if you've always been able to eat. it's a wierd feeling.

a gave me a note and it was annoying. i know i've been all 'i don't want to break connections' but it happens. and they wrote: i'm done. and i wrote: i've been done.

and they didn't respond. to much of anything. the only thing they talked about was the ignoring me part. and i wanted to really hurt him for a reaction. remember that whole passive stage in the summer before last? man... what is wrong with me. i rmember that. i wanted to be such a bitch so someone would yell at me to stop and say STOP YOU'RE BEING A BITCH.

and then, we were walkin in th hallway, and they said you know, i think we really have run out of things to talk about. i mean, i got nothing. stuff at home...math? but i know you don't like talking about math. movies? i dunno. we've just ran out. and i looked at him. 

and i wanted to scream.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT TO YOU ANYMORE.

it's like life has drained itself out.

then j was asking me what was wrong. and the end of the day basically went like that. but i'm wondering....does j have enough....substance? you know what i mean? like, he says stuff sometimes and i'm like, wow. but, everyones got those sometimes. 

and i don't think anybody understands.....how much.... i.....despise.....the everyday.

I WANT SOMETHING GREAT. it doesn't have to be big or huge. all i need. is some little, tiny, form of encouragement, a sort of REASSURANCE that the universe is OKAY. that HUMANITY is something that is not a dying breed.

i don't want this small talk and shit. i don't want your hybrid definition of truth. i don't want this grey morality.

i've been friends with bex for way longer and i ALWAYS have something to say. we don't run out.

AND IF WE DO, THEN IT'S A COMFORTABLE SILENCE. AND I LOVE THOSE SILENCES.

it's already thursday.

and....l;kjdsaf;lajds;flajs.

brilliant. i have to run the pacer manana.

i could cry.

but i'm too mad to cry.

 

 

you and your perfect imperfections

well, it's two oclock in the morning again. and i'm just here again.
again. and again. and again.

you know what i want?
somebody with substance.

who won't ever leave me empty.

i'm not really that hungry, so i doubt i'll eat much during sehri.
i hate this getting into the routine of school so much. the getting used to, the getting situated, the getting acquainted with something you have no desire to be even remotely attatched to or associated with.

i showered again. and i am clean again.
then soon i'll be dirty again.

*sighs*
i have 2 more years. *worried look*
i will have  a baby sister in about 17 days.
i will also be turning 17 in about 17 days.
nervousness.

...smoke.
haze.
in my mind.
in my lungs.
bittersweet. charcoal grey. moonshine dust on my fingertips.
silver glitter in the sky.
and i can't believe that i ever thought that this sky.
yeah this sky. look up, that sky, could ever belong to me.
cause since you've left, it's all i've really got.
and i treasure it, every hour cause it's not a lot.
till the sun breaks through dark clouds. lightens up the dawn
and pretty soon, theres nothing left of you. just fading shadows on my front lawn
and that happened jus when i thought that you were all gone.
all gone, not gone, already here, already gone.
again.
and you probably don't know this about me but... i wait in my kitchen for you till the am, like ten.
but you never show up.
only when the moon goes up.
i tell myself i should grow up.
and not wait for you to show up. 
and then the shadows begin to stretch.
in the darkness, it lingers,
and i'm tempted to thrust out my middle finger,
sayin, fuck this, i'm done.
but who am i to shun.
this creation of mine.
tortuous confession inspired by the Divine.
no glorious temple, no homemade shrine.
none of that, i just don't got the time. 
and the clock moves the line.
gettin closer to sunshine.
and i can't lie.
cause i'm counting down seconds.
till.
i'm.
gone.
 
 
 

the first lonely weekend of many

Ill be around

day three.

*waits*

*shrugs*

been ok.

 

j is pretty cool.

....okay, really goood.

but i'm totally feeling wierd about everyone at school. esp. people who don't know me, holding hands with him, annd walking around, or just... :/

it's because i know how close-knit these communities are. and no doubt, it'll fly and i'll be horribly deemed within that area.

on another note, i think i just fell in love with dj shadow.

organ donor, my ass.

i'm a giver.

bad timing.

i have bad timing. BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I WOULD'VE SAT THERE FOR AN HOUR. BUT AMMYAND ABBU HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE, AND THEY SAID THEY'LL COME BACK LATER.

:/

i hate this.

abbu said he's not even sure about the houses yet. i'm glad that he's not sure. for now.

one of them was ugly, and the other was kinda really good, and it was near liberty.

i'm still just bothered about school.

 

how do all the right people manage to find each other? that, and it's really not fair.

 

i hate school. day two.

WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE NOONE.

like, everyone is situated, expecting, knowing. and they all wait for each other at certain places, or meet up at certain times, and I DON'T.

i just wander around until i find someone, and more often than not, i don't.

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR ANYONE.

I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE, EXPECTING SOMEONE TO BE THERE.

my backpack is so heavy, it's ridiculous.

i still feel like the kids in my studyhall are making fun of me, although now, they're all on the other side of the room. and the rest of the ppl whisper and whatever, and i just sit there staring at the clock. AND THEY WON'T LET ME CHANGE MY SCHEDULE. so i'm stuck in that lunch period. at least until the end of this week. then hopefully, i'm outta there and goin to art.

i feel so stupid right now, honestly. i feel like it would make sense for me to want to see j, but i saw him for 1.5 MIN. TODAY. and not at the end of the day either. and c was being alll....however he always is, and it made me want to leave, but i couldn't.

and now ammy and abbu are talking about moving? same school, same district. but.... diff. house. money, i knew was an awkward subject, but it got a lot worse, apparently. plus, with the baby and all. i have the two comparables in my hand. one is in heritage meadoes and other in foxridge farms and i think theres a lot of people from school who live in both of those. BUT I LIKE WHERE I AM. and ammy told me todayand showd me the paper, and i was already in a really.....vulnerable mood from school, and it just made me cry. but i didn't want to. and ammy's like, , please, just don't make it difficult for me or abbu. this is just the way fate works.

and i understand  that.... but it still makes me cry.

in preparation.

i feel better, somewhat. i am clean and showered and i am fed and i have prayed.

i was awfully cranky. and the way nobody was paying attention just made me want to do it more. attention-whore much? :/

anways, zach's in my physics and sos kp y vg. i was talking to j when kp comes outta nowhere from behind and hugs me something that reminded me instantly of freshman year. but i saw zach, and i totallyyyy flipped! we fiiiinallyyyy have a flipping class together. i hope we change seats. cause i wanna sit by him. we were halfway across the room making stupid faces. i feel like i can't be a new person with a. it's not like i want to be completely different. it's just that there's so much past that it makes the present difficult. or....easier to say, and much truer, HE makes the prescence difficult. and....roger? remember him? well, i DEF. don't view him as one, but it's just a name. well, he was in lunch too. and a said to me something about posting on his fb a question like, why is it that you tend to like the same girls that i like, and we think just the same? and in my mind, i'm rolling my eyes to no degree like, STOP IT. but outside, i was like... ok. and then a says that roger told him he doesn't like me. and i'm like... well, of course not. he doesn't know me. but then,, i realized that a must've had to ASK him, and that did make me mad. then, that STUPID MATH STUFF made me mad. i can't believe i have to go from apush to precalc to physics. well, i don't mind physics. the teacher seems interesting. but tomorrow, i have to go to the office for a schedule chaange. i could get used to lunch though, with p and justin. but i don't want bex to be all floopy. so HOPEFULLY, if it's not too full, i'm gone.

...do i use names too much? i find myself wnating to, more so now.

oh, thats probably because i have something to SAY about them all now.

n said that i get more hugs from boys than she does. and i was about to argue that, then i realized, with some difficulty, that it was true. but the thing is, they ALWAYS complement her. they say she looks pretty, or her hair is nice today, or they like the way she's dressed. and i guess, i'm usually dressed the same as always, but still. and she said that she would rather be hugged than complemented. i dunno. i jus shrugged. i think the 2 guys i was most excited to see were zach and p. i didn't really expect it, but i did, and by a lot. oh, and j too i guess. it's really wierd cause he always wants to talk to sean or something, and i can TELL, and they'll be like, oh nothing. but it's so obvious .then, i'd just feel bad like they shouldn't be there, even though i want them to be. and it's so stupid cause like...what the hell are you going to say to something like that? *shrugs*

well, i'm gonna try and finish the math, then call bex.

i hate school.

i dunno. i hate school. annoyed. i got 2 hours of sleep. i am forcing myself to stay up until magrib. then, i'm gone, man. i'm so gone.

 

first day and.... *cringes with disgust*

i didn't get to talk to bex at the end of the day. i have a in my class. it was freezing. i have noone cept n in skills and i don't like the teacher. i DONT UNDERSTAND THE FREAKING MATH. i am sleep deprived. i am cranky as hell, and everyone knows it. and they're not paying me much attention. i didnt see j until right before SEVENTH period. and then he was all whatever after school. i'm HUNGRY.

the worst things: a, math, j's inconsistency. and....oh damn, i can't believe i jus said that. but that, and sleeping.

the best things: bex. painting. physics. the fact that i got to see pishoi and justin.

what will stick with me, undoubtedly: this feeling of isolation from everyone i hold dear. :/ even if it doesn't exist. i'm so fucking lonely some days that it just seems like that.

i don't want to drop precalc. but it's soo....i don't remember ANYTHING.

the last day of summer

dead end nowhere road

i stood alone in the desert field on the last day of summer.

the red sun burned and i turned my back on it.

so much betrayal. you deceived me. i thought your power was greater.

i slowly walked back home in the unreal purple twilight.

the soft orange glow of the streetlights resurrected my shadow.

i weaved in and out of patches of light on rugged asphalt.

it was the last of the stolen orange skin

it was the last of the dirty garage decade machinery

the last sleep i'll get, end of my dreams

the last of illuminated highway lights and neon signs

last loud silence

last of the fireflies

i felt as if tonight was the end.

i could've melted into the atmosphere.

tomorrow, it starts.

tonight, i end.

the unwillingness to submit is inhumane.

inhalation

i took one last sweet breath of freedom,

reluctantly went inside

but my shadow stayed out.